Pain to Poem

When I used
to fall into
this wound
It was unbearable
Burning with
anger and rage
regret and disgust
anguish and grief
My body blazed in agony
pressure from all sides
suffocating me

This Pain
That apparently
is not about what just happened
is not about the other
Maybe it’s from decades ago
When I had just started high school
Standing in D stairwell
My first boyfriend dumped me because
there were so many new girls
he could start dating, or

Maybe decades before that
Maybe when my younger brother was born
Maybe when my mom went back to work
Maybe when I was sleep-trained
Maybe when I was in utero

Maybe not

But now with a bit of time
and a lot of distance
When I slip into this ache, it is
Like lying in an immense cave
Like star-gazing in the desert
I’m still buried
I’m still in the dark
It still burns
but it feels cooler
more manageable

In this vastness
This spaciousness
I can sit with Pain
Hold her lovingly, patiently
Not abandoning my abandonment
Not rejecting my rejection
And watch
In wonderment
As she slowly
turns into
this Poem.