i finally see the patterns
where words and actions were
in familiar ways
fitting perfectly like
my favorite
clothes from
childhood that
i never wanted
to take off
like that sunshine
yellow T-shirt
the one with the hearts
and cheesy phrase
something like
Be Mine Forever
with sparkly bits
that i would wear for days
and nights too
until my mother
snuck it away to be washed
while i was in the bath

i've longed for that shirt
that comfort
that familiarity
so i've kept looking for it
in my partners
trying to squeeze my
very adult body
into a size
"3/4 years old"

now with some
s p a c e
b r e a t h i n g
i've thought about
getting more
age appropriate
better-fitting clothes
perhaps it's time for
a linen jumpsuit
an evening dress
a cashmere jumper
silk pyjamas

but actually
i've decided
i'm going to be
for a while.